I haven't been blogging because life had it's pesky way of really punching me in the face the past month. I really debated talking about it, but if my story can help anybody else that may have been sucker punched by life, it's a story worth telling. Back in early September, my father and I were robbed at gunpoint while closing up our shop. Thankfully, neither one of us were hurt seriously, but the emotional wounds of that night were deep. I was traumatized. I had the experience of having a gun to my head and I do not wish that experience on anyone who lives their life in the light. To make matters worse, the three robbers have yet to be caught--and even worse than that, I know who 2 of my 3 assailants are. They took something from me that night. A part of me. My peace and my right to be silent in my own mind without fear. The days following were filled with decreased appetite, lots of sleepless nights marred by nightmares and the moments of that night replaying over in my head.
With the Tyler Rose Half Marathon only a month away at this point, I decided to take a short break (a week) from running, until I could rest properly and fuel my body the way I needed. That snowballed into a whole MONTH. Why? I was scared. I was terrified. I couldn't bring myself to lace up my shoes and go out on my training runs--especially the long ones, alone. I am now oversensitive. I am paranoid. Every car that passes by is potentially someone who wants to hurt me. Being away for hours at a time, on quiet roads, didn't sit well with me. I was now shackled by fear, from enjoying something that I love so much. I was still sporadically making my Cave workouts and one day part of our workout was having to run laps--time to face my fear. I know it's irrational to be afraid of running a tiny stretch of area around my gym, but fear is known to be irrational and unexplainable. Running laps alone and in the dark (the sun isn't up yet at 6:30am) wasn't my idea of a good time. Long story short, I almost ninja pushed a guy riding a bike on his way to work--but it helped me conquer my fear just a bit. Maybe, I could at least squeeze in a few short runs before my half.
Then, just when you think everything is looking up, we had the biggest of freak accidents happen.
A truck traveling on the highway loses control of his vehicle while he was texting and driving and goes completely airborne when he drives off the highway--with him completely destroying our business van and my parents personal vehicle that were parked in our parking lot. Yup, completely the worst month EVER. Not running now for sure. Most of my runs have me running for a bit on the side of the highway--after this, I'll never be running on a training run on the highway again. Before, I had always been careful while running on the highway. Constantly scanning traffic, watching for any slightest movement or if someone didn't see me--but anything can happen and it's just not worth the risk. I'll drive 20 minutes to find 5+ miles of safe running area now before risking my life along the highway again. Below is a picture of the wreckage. It's unbelievable.
At this point, I only had a week left until my half. I've had ZERO training in a month. I started thinking about dropping out of the race. Would I be able to run? What if I hurt myself? I know how hard I can be on myself with my expectations. I'm always searching for the next PR, or fastest mile, etc. A large part of me didn't wanna run this race if I couldn't do my best, or be my best. After a lot of meditation, praying and discussion with some amazing, supportive people in my life, I decided I was gonna do it! Put expectations aside for this one race. I will be able to train for another race. There will always be another opportunity to PR. This race was about more than getting a medal at the finish line. I was running for my sanity. I was running to kick my fears in the face. I was running to take back a piece of my myself that those individuals stole that night.
The night before the race I methodically went through my usual race routine. Gathered my jelly beans, SPI belt, checked my playlist--the things I can control, I wanted to make sure I was prepared. Race morning I was filled with nervousness, anxiety and a twinge of excitement. I savored every moment of the experience. Hugged all my friends tight & absorbed all the words of love and encouragement. I still had some nagging self doubt in my head. I didn't have the luxury of running with a friend this go round. I missed my run buddy :(
Start time came quickly, we were through the start line and that 13.1 miles started. I had been telling myself for days, that when my legs couldn't run anymore, I was going to have to run with my heart. Both of my calves cramped almost immediately in my compression sleeves. It wasn't unbearable--I just did my best to breathe deeply, push through it and a few minutes later they relaxed. It was only like half a mile in, when we got to a point where those in the front of the pack were already looping around and passing us. I started talking to myself (or anyone who would listen). I made an offhand comment about how "I'll be that fast one day." I was delighted when I got a reply from a lady running beside me.
Next thing you know, we are running stride for stride, practically the same pace and talking to each other like we've known each other for years. I am convinced that it was fate for us to meet. Kristi was my angel that day and I know, I now have a friend for life. What was supposed to be the hardest course I've ever run, became the easiest just because of her. It wasn't the fastest I've ever run--but the longer we talked, we kept passing more and more mile markers. I don't remember what mile marker it was, that we stopped and she made a bathroom break, while I waited outside. Even though just hours before, we were complete strangers, I felt bonded with this person--I wasn't gonna run ahead of her right now! Another runner caught up to us during the wait and exclaims "I caught up to you guys! You've been my motivation from back there!" My heart literally soared. Here I was, running on minimal training and I've got someone telling ME that I was a motivating factor in her run.
The miles flew by in a blur. This literally was the most enjoyable run that I have had in a very long time. Usually after the halfway point, I would be starting to feel the aches and pains, overthinking the run--dreading the upcoming mile. None of that happened that day. With each step I took, the shackles that had locked me in fear the past month, broke away. I felt refreshed, renewed, and most importantly, I was starting to feel like myself. Kristi and I traveled about 11.5 miles together. Towards the end, we kept telling each other, "Don't let me hold you back. If you wanna run ahead, you can." I was so grateful for this woman, part of me wanted to stay with her until the end--but another part of me wanted my heart to take flight. I had this amazing, unexpected surge of energy flow through me and I broke away. I would wait for her at the finish.
I was on my final stretch and that last mile was the fastest mile I ran the entire race--I emptied out my tank. I caught up to the girl who had passed us earlier on my way to the finish. I gave her a big hug (and found out her name is April) and kept trucking on--the finish line was near. It was an amazing feeling to catch up to people that had passed me up earlier in the race and pass them. The finish was pure jubilation. I threw my hands up in the air in celebration--I can't wait to see the race photos :) April finished just about 2 minutes behind me and Kristi 5 minutes after her. Lots of smiles, hugs and camaraderie between people who didn't even know each other before that day.
No matter what happens in your life, you have to find yourself. It's so important! Feel your emotions, let people in and most importantly, go easy on yourself. Obstacles are put in your way--you just find your way around them, or BUST right through them! After all the craziness of the past month, I felt this inner calm standing there at the finish. I felt more whole than I've felt in a while. As I smiled and chatted with other racers, basking in our accomplishments, a spark was relit in my soul--a flame that had been blown out, that I had been trying to figure out how to light again. My official time was 3:14, my slowest half marathon ever....but this race was so much more than my others combined. I won this day, in more ways than I ever could of imagined.
Happy running :)
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